Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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