You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
