Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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