I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
