you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
