I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i think i just lost a toe
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
