Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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