Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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