sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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