i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
