We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
