dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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