So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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