New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
