My liver just broke up with me...
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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