I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
