btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
