i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
