Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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