I accidentally had phone sex last night
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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