Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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