Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
