Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
