Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
