Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
