I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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