This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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