my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
