True but thats because hes a fetus.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
