My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
