I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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