it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
