you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
