This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
