I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
