Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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