Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
two words...techno handjob
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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