So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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