yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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