Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
