Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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