I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
