He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
