well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
