Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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