life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
