no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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