Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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