I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
