Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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