just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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